I was practically living without a father for 10 years when he left the house. My hatred for him stayed in my heart as I grow up. I hated him for not being with us. I hated him for being the most insensitive person I have ever known. I hated him for not showing his concern for us, his love for us. I hated him for our situation.
It is very hard to be an illegitimate family. His legal family hated my mother. We borrowed him from his family; it was like begging for his love. I always long for a father. I always long for him. Although I hated him, he was still my father. Although my mother’s love and attention was enough for us, it was still incomplete. I know our place in his heart. I kept in mind that I can never fully have him. I always remember that I will stay as his illegitimate child. We will always be just second on his priority list. It hurts still. We cannot demand his time. We can just be with him whenever possible, and not always.
I grew up, without his guidance, without him by my side. Yet, I was still dreaming of a day where I’ll be with him, just like when I was still a child. I have known the truth as early as 8 years old. I just accepted it. I cannot demand nor request for his love and care. I just have to be contented with what he gives and have given. And I hated him for that. I did not look at him the way I looked at my mother. I never talked to him the way I talked to my mother. I never showed any of the love and concern a child should be giving his father. I never did anything for him, because I hated him. I blame him for our situation.
Though I hated him, I still crave for his tender looks and gazes. I long for a father’s love. I will always long for that. And although I have forgiven him in my heart, I never showed it to him. I never did anything to make him feel loved. After we went to his house, I swear, I pity him when I saw him walking. I pity him whenever I look at him walking away. I wanted to cry, but I won’t. I pity him whenever I saw him become older and older. I wanted to cry because I can’t stay with him. I wanted to cry because I have to go away. I wanted to cry because it will always be that way. I wanted to cry because I cannot do anything about our situation.
When mother called and told me about his condition, I could not help myself but cry. Cry, because I cannot be with him. Cry, because I cannot do something to make him feel well. When he was dying, I got insufficient money to go to him. The more I wanted to see him, the more the hindrances come to block me from being with him. I really wanted to see him and talk to him, tell him that I have forgiven him. I wanted to tell him that I love him, but I cannot be with him.
I never stopped crying every time I remember his condition. He is my father and I always long for him. He loved us, I realized it. He gave us everything we needed, the shelter, the clothes, the food, and education. He just forgot to show us the love we really needed.
When I learned that he already died, I blamed myself. I blame myself for not being with him even for just an hour. I blame myself because he never saw me before he went away. I know he wanted to see me, but I never showed up. I might have shown him the love he was longing for, and he might have shown me the love I was looking for. He can never hear me now. But if he still can hear me, I wanted to tell him that I love him. I love him because he is my father. I wanted to tell him that I do not feel any hatred for him despite of all the bad things he has done to us. I wanna ask him why he never waited for me to finish my study. He never waited for me to have my own job and repay him. He never waited for me to tell him sorry and thank you. He never waited for me to tell him the words I should have said years ago.
Dad, if ever you can still hear me and still read this, I want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry for not showing the love you are worth receiving day by day. I am sorry for hating you before. I am sorry for not being a good daughter to you. I love you, dad, despite of it all. I am not after your money or your properties. I am just after your love. I will always long for you. I will always long for your love. Every day of my life, I have always wished for a father’s love. Kulang ako nun, daddy. Hindi ko yun naramdaman nitong may isip na ako.
Hanggang ngayon, naiinggit pa rin ako sa buo ang pamilya. Pero tanggap ko naman yun, matagal na. alam ko kung san ko ilulugar ang sarili ko sa buhay mo, sa puso mo. Pagdating ng mga anak mo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang ipapakiharap nila sakin. Kung ano man yun, sana naman hayaan nila akong ihatid ka sa huling hantungan mo. Anak mo pa rin ako, sana naman hayaan na lang nila ako. Hindi naman ako manggugulo. Hindi naman ako hahabol sa mana mo.
Sapat na sakin yun nandoon ako sa libing mo, kahit yun na lang yung huling maibigay ko sa ‘yo. Si mama, hindi ka na n’ya titingnan. Dun na lang siya sa hulihan, para wala nang gulo. Naaawa ako sa kanya kanina, minahal ka niya. Maling sitwasyon lang. Dad, kahit hindi nila ako tanggapin, hayaan na lang nila ako na nandoon sa iyong libing. Kahit sana doon, mapunan ko sa huling sandali yung mga pagkukulang ko.
–November 30, 2009 (He died November 25, 2009 but we were informed by November 27, 2009)
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