Ms. Behavin’ : On Living
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss
I was reading my Awe-Manac today, particularly my Toast of the day quote. It says “Here’s to sight, smell, sound, touch, taste – the sensational experiences of being alive.” I just remember one part of my life when I contemplate to take my own life. I was going through a very bad experience at work. It was an all time low for me. For five years, I dedicated my life to that job. It was my life back then. I was breathing and living for my work.
From the day I woke up in the morning, to the moment I put myself to sleep, all I think is about how I will do my job. Every time I did something good at work, I feel that I’m doing something good for humanity and every time my boss scolded me for doing something wrong, I feel like it’s the end of the world. You see, I take things personally. I used to believe that the relationship between work and employee is like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. You have to keep your loved-ones happy, or else everything will go into drain. So I do what I have to do.
I did love my job. I love talking to people, know their experience and share their pain. Not knowing that it is eating me alive. I did like some of my co-workers and my mistake for bringing every relationship on a personal level. I should have known that it is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Trust is something that does not exist in that world. But being stubborn, I believe that everything will change. I tried to say to myself that I can change them. I will make my workplace as ideal as I want it to be. But I was wrong. Very wrong. They have their own personality and it will take some doing to make them realize that we have to trust each other and don’t back stab one another. But I guess its part of the job and that world. I would say that,I, too became one of them. I have to survive that world.
I did not know that it is affecting me for the longest time. I was diagnosed with Depression after years of working and it’s just then I realized it has been too much for my fragile mind. I broke down but I had to continue to work. I keep hoping that everything will fall on its proper place. But again, I was wrong.
Until I lost something that was valuable to me. I lost someone and from there, everything went downhill ever since. I tried to get back, but I guess that’s just it. I’ve lost a great deal of myself and someone else on that job. I’ve lost my future and I’ve lost someone who gives me hope to continue working on that job. No one consoles me and I cannot console myself. I continue to blame myself for what happened.
That’s the start. I begin to make mistakes. The system is forgiving, the people are not. Until I made the biggest mistake an employee can make in his entire life. My co-workers avoided me like a plague. There are some who still went to console me, but still, they were too afraid to get too close. I feel like dying. They do not know that I blame myself everyday for what happened. They do not know that I can’t sleep at night, reliving all the events in my head. My mother had to hugged me every time I woke up in the middle of the night, anxious and paranoid. My father tapped my back me and gave me strength when I just burst out crying in front of him. My beloved held my hand when I was on my breaking point. It should be enough to give me peace but I could not see that. I was wallowing on self-pity and blame.
Until one day, I got a call from the office. It was the last straw. I was ready to end it all. My mind was racing on what should I do to end my pain. It somehow surprised me that my mind could think in such manner. Now, I understand why people take their life. Mitigating the pain, they want to end their suffering. I cannot tell my parents since they will surely stop me from doing it. I texted my high school friends and asked them what should I do. It was like asking their permission if I can do it. I told them, I just want to take a rest and not face another blow to my pride and my emotions. I’m battered enough to go and if they force me, I will definitely throw myself on a running vehicle. Maybe God did intervene and I was allowed not to go.
From then on, I moved on. I did not look back. I know I burned some of the bridges, but I don’t care anymore. My friends, whom I texted, told me not to mind it anymore. What is important is you, your being. If I commit suicide, I will just bring pain to my parents and my loved ones.
“Just keep moving. We are here for you,” they told me. I was overwhelmed. I feel like hugging them all at once.
Now, I moved on to a new job. Not as lucrative as my former job, but it’s enough. I said this before. I don’t need money. I don’t need gadgets and the recognition of having a job to die for. There are times when I imagine what would happen if I did it. Surely, I will not hear my nieces and nephew’s laughter or hear my friends ranting about their loved lives, 3 o’ clock in the morning and wasted. I will not see my friend get married and have a fabulous life. I will not be able to feel that glorious feeling when my beloved touch and kiss me. I will not be able to taste my mother and father’s dishes which are full of love and care.
Despite all that happened, I’m lucky enough to still be here, writing my experience. And I’m happy to give myself a chance. A chance to LIVE.