Laptop for Girls   (Photo Credit:  Itsladieschoice)

Laptop for Girls (Photo Credit: Itsladieschoice)

 Tuesday—2:15 in the morning… I still have mystery girl’s laptop and I am using it to blog this sh*t you’re reading… Why I haven’t returned it yet? WELL I AM A PERV!!! I’m shitting you… Keep reading then I’ll tell you…

When life shuts you down, it just means you’re not trying hard enough.” Well that’s what I thought when I approached mystery girl… (Man that’s a mouthful, can we just uhh, call her MG for short? Or perhaps Ninja girl—no wait, Ninji! Yeah tha’ll do!) Last time I wrote an entry, was Sunday, and I wasn’t able to finish my story right?

  So there I was in the hot seat when Ninji shut me down for the first time as I was standing beside her table trying to start a conversation… I remember every expression her face did. Like an irritated and constipated girl yet she still bewitched me in ways I can never fully explain… So here it is, I’ll tell you the first time Ninji shut me down:

I approached her table, cleared my throat, stood up straight to look like an intimidating gym instructor (who smells nice…) then asked her:

“Do you mind for some company?”

“Actually, I do.” (SCORES: NINJI-1 KENJI- 0)

She crossed her legs and she was really irritated in my opinion… Am I really that annoying? I already had it in my head how this thing can turn out…

EXHIBIT A

*ACTING COOL AND SQUINTING TO EMPHASIZE HUNKNESS* “HEY! Do—you—mind—for—some Companeyyyy?”

“Actually, no! Please have a seat and let’s exchange phone! You poor bastard, what’s with that phone?!” And then she’ll be disgusted with my poorness and will storm out of the café… (as you have guessed right, this would be the first time I would approached a girl outside of school and in public)

I can feel the sweat coming out from the back of my neck as soon as I heard what she said; my hands were cold and I was already thinking of storming out of there…  I did… I said I was sorry then I took a step away from her then turned my back… I can see a lot of people looking at me with their violent judgmental eyes. So I stopped myself then went back for another try…

“Excuse me? We have the same class? 1-2:30? Natural Science? I am Kenji Elmiro” She looked at me again and a 2 1/3 second pause followed…

“Oh, right? You’re that—uhh… No, I’m thinking of somebody else. But yeah I remember your face… Uhh, you can go now?” (SCORES: NINJI-2 KENJI-0)

Wow, this girl is the dominatrix! At that point maybe most guys will already say—“I’ll see you around” or “THAT’S HOT” or something stupid like “You see, I’m kinda interested and this is the very first time that I ever approached a girl with your likeness, I mean pretty like you—no, t-to be honest, I already saw you 18 minutes and 31 seconds awhile ago and I went to the bathroom thinking of the most effective pick up line but the only thing that I arrived upon on was… NOTHING…” Unfortunately, I said the 3rd thing and her reaction was:

“Uggh, will you—please? Okay, It’s not you—ughh it’s me!” (AGB Neilsen unofficial tally: NINJI-3? KENJI-SUPER FUCKING ZERO)

I was shocked to hear this? Is she trying some avoiding cliché techniques on me? At that point I said:

“I’m really trying here, you know? I guess I’m sorry for my senseless ramblings, at least a polite “no: will do? (So, stupid to say this… Just stealing time is already me, crossing the line!) People are starting to take notice of our “friendly conversation”. The stupid students however are still busy with their cups picture taking and their famous pose the “innocent variety look” after which will be uploaded in social networks as their profile pic and those pictures they all took will be a 12-34 individual frame shots in 1! Anyway, getting back at my encounter with Ninji, after what I said, she stood up and said:

“Can you please me excuse me for awhile?”

“Can you explain for awhile?” I replied with a mocking tone. (Again—crossing the line!!!)

She seems so tense and anxious and kept looking around as if someone is keeping an eye on her. I took notice of this and I started to look around as well. Just before I was able to fix my gaze upon her, I let my stupid mouth take over me again:

“I’m sorry, It’s just that I’m so nervous and will you accept my apolog—

“No, I told you I don’t need it! Just leave me in peace!” She said this without even looking at me then grabbed her coffee and wrapped a blue jacket around her waist then tied it in a knot. Quickly she followed it with:

“I don’t understand why do you have to this?”

At that point I don’t even have the courage to say anything, so I left her table and went back to mine and settled myself back on my seat. She left a couple of minutes after that.

 For a first timer, I guess that went quite HORRIBLY! What the hell was I thinking? I spent the minutes looking at nothingness and seeing people come and go. The crowd is different around 7:28 in the evening here. Mostly people who look rich or at least pretending to be one. I will certainly look stupid if I hang around here. So I crushed the empty cup on my table then stood up and left my table. I was walking very lazily outside then a security guard called my attention:

“Ser! Ser! Yung leptop n’yo po nakalimutan niyo!” The man was approaching me holding a bag with his right hand waving it like his dancing the 70’s craze step: “the sinking man”… I took the bag and thanked the guy. As I looked inside, it registered in my mind that it was Ninji Dominatrix’s “leptop” I’m holding. I looked at my watch and it read: 19:32…

I rode a jeep at the station and there were only 9 passengers including me… And whoopedo, to my awesome surprise, I’m surrounded by freaking couples.(REALLY UNIVERSE?! That’s how you wanna play it?) This couple grabbed my attention for they were leaning against each other. The girl’s back is pressed against the guy’s shoulder and vice-versa. The way they talk is simply authentic! The girl was talking sweetly to the guy while her boyfriend was on his phone:

“Oh?! Tengene yan! Kala ko ba umuwi na si MacMac at Sputnik? Niloloko tayo niyan ah! Baka makatikim siya ng Pakyaw ko! Hahaha!” (I didn’t get what’s funny about that? For all I know what the hell is his “Pakyaw”? Was it his package or something? Ano ipapatikim niya, exactly?)

After I arrived home, my little sister immediately noticed my “leptop bag” and she blurted out violently:

“Mama mama! Mama! Mama! MAMA! Si kuya! Si kuya! May ano oh?” My mom rushed towards me and saw my “leptop bag”.

“Ano yan baby boy?!” Si erpats biglang umiksena.

“Shabu yan nuh?”

“Kuyaaaaaa! Isang buwan ka palang sa college meron ka nang mga paraphernalia? Baka sugurin tayo ni Mike Enriques tska sino yun? Si Korina Sanches ba?? Yung asawa ni Beenay?”

(gago si Tulfoh yun)

(at si Mar Rohos yun, tanga at 1/2)

“Pa, bantayan mo nga yang anak mo! Baka may mga paso na yung singit niyan sa mga prat-prat na yan sa iskool nila! My mom was pointing at my crotch as she narrated… And I was looking at them heavily bored. Believe it or not this is normal in our house—that is only to me… Like one time when I arrived and I have a lighter in my chest pocket? It was for school I think my sister berserked:

“MA! MA! MA! MA! *coughs* MAMA! Si kuya! Si kuya! Inarson yung post opis sa harap natin!” Sugod agad si ermats sa eksena:

“Ay susmaryosep! Ano na bang nangyayari sa baby boy ko!” At si erpats…

“Ano hah? May ipagmamalaki ka na bang bata ka?”

And who can forget when a flirty girl classmate of mine kissed me on the cheek—and a lip mark was embedded there:

“MAMAMMMAMAMAMAMAAAAAA! Si kuya!!!!!!! BADING!!!! Aaaaaay! May ate na akooooo!” Eeksena si ermats:

“Hayaan mo na, kung yan ang gusto ng Diyos, tatanggapin natin siya! Halika anak, mahal ka ng nanay mo. May problema ba sa iskool?” At ang mga epic na banat ni erpats:

“T?@!#@% ka.”

                You see? This is nothing! If I have a video camera, I can already make an entire season 1 of their senseless false inferences…

Either way, I’m in no mood to play with them for tonight so I immediately went up to our room (we all share the same room so we harmonize our farts like a virtuoso—the perfect quartet) and decided that tonight, I’ll go emo shit.

I opened my cd player and played my tracks of emo songs. (pirated) The first track played “Buwan by Itchywurms”. I looked up at the night sky, I can only see a perfect full moon and no sign of any stars. (metro manila ambience) So as you have guessed that’s the end of my quest huh? Well I thought so, too…

Let’s fast-forward to Monday night… I was still depressed from what had happened last Thursday. I’m so emo that I want to dye all my shirts black and all my underwear—black! In fact I want black face paint with black lipstick and black teeth. I still feel it’s not enough…

I went outside to my friend’s house to connect into the internet with Ninji’s leptop (stupid security guard it’s now in my head) and I logged in my account (fesbook). I mindlessly approved all the pending friend requests and browsed my profile. A couple of minutes later, a chat buzz sounded and I read the name: “Kristine Mercanio”. I clicked the tab and the message read:

  “Hello! Do you have a fantasy to belong to the Voltes Five? :D The only thing left out was Prince Zardos! (I quickly blushed since no one ever did get my name that it was taken from that anime’) Well it’s about time, you approved my request. I hope you’re not using my laptop. :3 I went back at the coffee shop that night and they said my “boyfriend” took it for me. So, Zardos, I asked at school who this weird guy who speaks in dollar and they mentioned this mouthful name which appears to be you! So, the day after tomorrow, we’ll have NatSci right? I’ll meet you after class, bring my “leptop” (the guard said that) okay? Cheers! :3

(HERE I GO AGAIN! What should I type?)

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