I’m not in a relationship and I have never been even for once. I’m not a hopeless romantic – I was before but not anymore ( okay the italicized word is actually not for emphasizing bitterness). I guess I’m somehow a flirt- a play girl- flirting inside my mind which is my world with my faceless boyfriend laughing with and hugging and kissing him; and a playgirl playing the “GAME OF THE CRUSHES” outside the real world. In short, I am a NBSB (no boyfriend since birth), choosy, reserved (hey I’m not homosexual!!!) whatever-you-call-it but then it all boils down to one word- I am SINGLE.
I am now the opposite of the desperate, lovesick , always infatuated naive damsel in distress (though it’s not obvious before because I’ve been stereotyped as nerd and hardworking) that I was before. And before I become who I am today , I had to become the person who I somehow regretted to be- but then I didn’t – to learn my lessons and these lessons always come up with tons of questions.
What is love really? Love has been so clichéd it’s not a surprise that I have stopped overthinking about how “my prince” would look like or when and where I would meet him. Sometimes a thought comes into my mind if I really am okay with being in a relationship with a certain person. Seriously, I’m done with so much tweeny romances and kiligs and it’s such a “been there, done that” episode of my life. Who knows? Maybe I’m this skeptical and cynical about love because I haven’t found “the one” yet.
Maybe I’m on a stage where I’ve been suspending everything – plainly not thinking about it and plainly just living. Maybe I’ve spent almost my entire high school years( though no one really knows what’s up inside my mind back then) thinking about “him” that I become nauseated with it already coz it’s been long overdue. Then, I finally spend my time everyday for me: for improving myself, for making up for my mistakes, for changing my old ways , for growing and especially, to reach my dreams slowly and step-by-step. I guess I didn’t regret being in love because that awakened “the dreamer” in me.
I realized that being single isn’t being lonely. This is the time to make up for myself and to make myself whole and independent. There’s a quote that says that “Be not a girl who needs a man but be a girl a man needs.” Guess this is right. Instead of searching for love, you must search it inside yourself. And then you’ll hear the voice of God inside you and you’ll become the person that you didn’t even know that you can become.
The truth is, I don’t really know if I can love. If I would , I want it to be authentic. Yet if I wanted it to be one of a kind, I am still dominated by the clichéd love found in teleseryes, koreanovelas, movies etc. Or I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just my plain observation that people whom I have encounters with subconsciously pattern and base their love lives to the outlines and frameworks of love stories found especially on T.V that they get blinded and they can’t see the real thing. And what’s the real thing, aber?? Or maybe it could be the other way around.
The real thing is that we don’t really know how love existed or evolved, that maybe love, after all, is just a myth. Love is a friend of capitalism(Oh please don’t kill me for saying this). If it weren’t for that kind of love — bears, chocolates, cards, bouquets of flowers wouldn’t be sold out every month of February.
Sometimes too, I don’t know the difference between love and infatuation . Can I really love a person, or, do I only love the person in my imagination?
Maybe I just wanted to find the real thing, which is LOVE— other than the clichéd love the society has indirectly taught me about. Or maybe, I’m just a total dreamer or a career woman who wants to be great in all the things that I do. But for now, I ”ll just wait= live. But for now, I’ll be playing my favorite romantic koreanovela or teleserye episodes in my mind, and pretend that I was the protagonist and the rope in the tug of war between two aggressive lovers. But for now, I’ll be staying single until I reach my dreams and ambitions. It’s too early to think about my love life you know,- so call me, maybe?
HAHAHA! Just joking.xD
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- Of Hopes and Infatuation - January 16, 2014
- Believe - December 31, 2013
- Worth It - December 30, 2013
- Miraculously Spared - December 22, 2013