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The modern times are here. New generation, new age, new era— Gone are the days of fathers spending all day at work, only to come home at night with the all-famous phrase, “honey, I’m home!” (Or as Chris Rock likes to put it, “Where’ my dinner, biatch!?”)
“Call me when dinner’s ready, Marge” — Homer Simpson
Today’s times, both husbands and wives are equally employed. Gone are the days when wives raise their children all by their pretty little selves (and take care of their husbands too). I guess, where I’m getting at, dads spend more time with their kids at home today. AND, it’s not uncommon for men to be stay-at-homes-dads too. Sheesh. (Especially when you fucked up your education and your wife becomes the high earner, “time to change those diapers, dumbass!” 🙁 )
Anywhoo, there are three major experiences a new dad ungergoes. These are blessings (and sometimes, curses) a new father goes through. A roller-coaster ride we call, “welcome to fatherhood, dumbass!”
Drop that video game, get your ass to work, and raise your family! Again, welcome to fatherhood!
For the clueless, newly annointed father, there are three main stages. But before that, before the labor, before the birth, here’s a little bonus. There’s this little stage we call…
Getting confused at buying baby stuff.
For those unlucky ones (like me), I got sent by my wife to buy baby stuff. Yes, it was a prank, she got a good laugh out of it. I thought it’d be just like any other grocery shopping (hand me a list and I’ll buy ’em– kind of shopping), but yeah, I had absolutely no clue whatsoever what the stuff in the list are.
I got so lost and confused at Walmart, the staff were honest to goodness, laughing so hard at me. I can only imagine how lost I look, trying to figure out what “onesies” are, or swaddlers, bibs, NB tops, nursing pads, or breast pumps are, etc.
Yeah, they were laughing, and they weren’t even trying to hide it. Good for them. I’m sooo glad they had a good time at my expense. And yeah, I didn’t ask for help, I wanted to accomplish this on my own. It took me hours, but yeah, the sense of accomplishment was worth it.
Hey, I never asked for directions my whole life, why start now?
And… I had to return a bunch of stuff the next day. I bought A LOT of wrong stuff. 🙂
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for— Here are 3 incredible experiences dads go through… enjoy!
1. The scary shit we call “child birth” (or child labor).
Dads are extraordinarily terrified pussies during the birthing stages. Theyare horrified in the labor room. As they see their wives (and other women) scream their guts out— while blaming their husbands for their cursed laboring pain they go through, “it’s all your fault! It’s all your fault!!” — it’s a scary sight.
There’s something about screaming-women-in-excruciating-pain that’s not so funny anymore. Screaming in pleasure, yeah, but screaming in pain? (With gigantic baby heads trying to pop out of their flowers?) Nah. Terrible sight.
In my case, I spent a total of two minutes in my wife’s labor room. I almost fainted. Yeah… forget it. I’m outta here. I’ll buy some McDonald’s outside.
Oh, and, don’t forget about the mischievous nurses– laughing at terrified new dads. Biatches. kiddin’ kiddin,’ I would imagine new dads look so funny too. 🙂
2. The Diaper Test.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again… diapers are disgusting! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Diapers are only natural, part of nature… shut up. It’s smelly and it’s stinky! God, I hate diapers.
I said, shut up… let me finish. You know how stinky it is? I have four dogs. And they all go crazy every time my baby poops! My Golden Retriever, Lab and Dalmatian howls outside. My Shih Tzu goes crazy (‘on a rampage’ crazy) in the room. I have to let her out. It’s so stinky that my dogs go crazy.
Yeah, you know what I’m talking about… you’ve been there.
Changing one diaper is okay. But changing 1,000 diapers? Not so okay.
The first month of an infant is absolutely horrific. The poop is black, and it drives me nuts. No matter how tired I am, I always pull myself up and rush outside the room. Steering clear, leaving the whole mess to the wife. Sorry Wifey 🙂
I just grab some snacks and wait a few minutes. I’ll let the exhaust do their thing, then peek through the door, “is the coast clear?” I ask my wife.
And she answers, “YES IT IS, YOU [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]!!!”
“Cool. Let me go back to sleep.”
And I’d add, “No more pooping, okay, baby?”
Okay, okay, hang in there. You might be a sensitive person, so you totally missed it. But did you notice I skipped a whole stage?
3. Yep. Holding your child for the first time, is the most amazing thing a dad could ever experience.
It truly is. It makes it all worth it.
And I barely even felt the nurses and my mom-in-law screaming and slapping my shoulders, “support the neck!!” “Support the neck, moron!”
Yeah, I need to learn how to handle an baby. Holding an infant without neck muscles yet, is absolutely scary. A precious thing so fragile, feels like it can break at any time. And the last thing a new dad ever wanna do is, screw up this once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah, holding your kid for the first time is the most amazing thing in the world. It makes everything worth it. I love my kid.
Happy Father’s day to me!