Three months na ang nakalipas after ng tragic break-up namin. Inaamin ko na nahirapan talaga ako. Pero sa ngayon, maari ko nang sabihin na naka-MOVE ON na ako.
Putting the past behind was one of the hardest things for me. Isa akong very sentimental na tao, ‘yung tipong balat ng tsokolate at dahon ng kauna-unahang rosas na ibinigay ko tinatago ko pa. Mahilig ako sa mga litrato. Everything has a photographic memory. Mahilig din ako mag-isip at isulat ang mga notable events sa buhay ko. Isa akong tao na mahilig mabuhay sa nakaraan. Lahat ng masasaya at malulungkot na bagay binabalikan ko pa. Takot ako sa hinaharap. Takot akong masaktan muli. Pero ang unang-unang step sa moving on is leaving the past behind.
Nagsimula ako sa pag-delete ng mga messages namin ni ex. Mahirap talaga gawin ‘yun kasi madalas kong binabalik-balikan ‘yun. Drafts ng letters and whatever na tinago ko, sinimulan kong itapon lahat. It was crazy honestly because I rarely do things like that. But it’s time to let go. Naalala ko pa nung minark ko lahat ng messages at nagdadalawang isip kung confirm delete or something, pero kailangan eh. Kahit ‘di ko ginusto, nangyari na ang nangyari. Wala na talaga. I was willing to wait for her pero masyado niya na ako akong nasakatan at patuloy ko rin sinasaktan sarili ko pag ‘di ako mag-let go.
Ang pinakanahirapan ako ay sa mga litrato namin at litrato niya. Noong isang araw ko lang ata inalis lahat ng mga ‘yon sa Facebook at cellphone ko. Photographs mean a lot to me. Kumbaga, ‘yun ang bagay na nagpapasaya sa’kin. Photographs are like memories in print. They signify things in the past that might never happen again but can be remembered in the future. They carry out a significant mark in me. Sa mga oras na inalis ko lahat iyon, inaamin ko naiyak ako. It’s all that I have left about us. Ngunit kailangan ko talaga gawin ito. Isa kasi ito sa mga bagay na nagiging dahilan para bumalik ako sa dati at saktan muli sarili ko.
‘Di man ako naging man of my word at nag-give up na pero maari kong sabihin na ginawa ko ang tama. Iniisip ko rin sometimes na she could get disapointed but who cares? Why think about someone who never did have a single thought of you? Minsan nakasalubong ko siya sa corridor. First time seeing her since the break-up. All I did was short stare then walked away. Never minding that she might look back or something. Doon ko narealize na tama nga ang mga ginawa ko. Sabi nila that you’re truly moved on the moment you stopped caring. Honestly, I still care a little but I’m setting limits to that. ‘Di mo din naman kasi maiiwasan na gawin yun kasi madami din kayong pinagdaanan. Pero isa lang masasabi ko about us. No regrets.
Now I went from sad to happy. From anger to self-fulfillment. From bitter to better. I was once a person who fell in love too much and never did care of myself. Yes, if there’s one thing I learned from our relationship, it is to love yourself in the process. Not just her, but also yourself. Ask yourself, “What am I doing?” then ask again “Am I okay?” That’s the time when you will learn that it’s not the things in life that counts, but the way those things treat you. With this thoughts, I learned to be happy indeed and letting go was a long and winding road. But at the end. I found that happiness that I can’t find in the past.
I may not have been the man that I told her to be and the one who kept the promise of waiting, but this is the closure that I am looking for. This is the one thing that did break me but made me stand stronger.
It’s just crying a river and building a bridge to get over it.