Oct 28, 2011

I don’t know why I forget.  I am just so stupid to forget. So stupid of me to expect, I’m the perfect example of an insane being pretending to know what

Secret Lovers  (Photo Credit:  Justifiedmaster.blogspot)

Secret Lovers (Photo Credit: Justifiedmaster.blogspot)

she’s doing, what could happen, what should be done, what to expect. Yeah, what to expect, I believe the only sensible answer is none. Not a bit. I’ve betrayed a lot for the sake of what I believed was right. But was I really right, or was I just being such a self-righteous bitch, now I’m not so sure.

Now I reap what I sow, karma’s a bitch alright. Coz anyone around me can just betray me in a snap. Just like him. Why do I even bother convincing myself that things would be different anyway? This is just plain stupidity. I hate myself for jumping off the roof again, without thinking, head first, and not guarding my heart for all the pain that I could possibly (probably am now facing) face because of this. Thought I was getting better, thought I could finally say that hey I am happy now, for who I was, who I have become, but that would be such a great lie.

I hate the fact that I’ve fallen, that I get upset because of this. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I just hate this day. I hate the sweet moments, those magical special memories, those moments I looked into his eyes and he looked deep into mine, those moments we kissed like there was no tomorrow and like we haven’t seen each other for years even if it was just a few days, those moments I knew resisting would be pointless, those moments of total surrender, those moments of laughter, those sweet, magical moments when we held hands or hugged each other tight, those moments we shared in the forest, in the overwhelming view of the world, those moments he held and took care of me. I hate every fragment of me remembering, feeling, knowing that I needed him in my life. I hate it like hell. Because the pain is f—–g real, but we aren’t.

The pain is real. Everything else need not be. And it sucks.

Nov 3, 2011
I look at you and I feel something pinch my heart. Lately, I’ve been constantly reminding myself that you are just a dream, a dream not meant for me. I try to hide the pain, I look away whenever my eyes get teary. Sometimes I hate my eyes for being too expressive. They make it so hard to conceal my true feelings. I keep reminding myself that no matter what I do, even if I try my best, I give my all, you will never be mine. And it hurts so much. It hurts so much I can’t help but cry…

We spend so many nights together, we could never get enough. The next morning I feel so numb, I always wish to stay that way, so that I can finally have the courage to let go. I tell myself that this time I wont give in, this time I will ignore this feeling, this weakness, that I wont let you touch me anymore, talk to me, hold me, look at me. I try to tell myself that this is just going to end, so enough with the silly dreams. My heart drowns in pain with the thought of you finally walking out of my life.

Will I be prepared enough when the time comes?

What would make me ready to quietly watch you go without my vision becoming blurred by my tears?

How much pain would I need to get used to for me to stop myself from asking you to choose me?

I hate you. for making me fall, for making me believe even just for a moment that we’re better together than apart, most of all, I hate you because she will always be your future, not me.

But the most terrible about this is me, for not walking away, for wanting to be with you and riding this stupid roller coaster of love. I hate love.

When you go, please take this feeling with you. I don’t want it to linger inside me when you’re already gone.

Jan 30 2012
I don’t know how he does it. I don’t understand. I’ve been in that same position but I don’t know really how it could work this way. How he could make it work that way. The more I think of it, the more I become convinced that true love can never be real. It’s just a fantasy. Maybe for other people, it can exist. But not in my life. I know now what my friend meant, when she said she would never be happy and she must just accept that truth. That whatever came to her life, that whatever or whoever her boyfriend would turn out to be, she’d be just stuck with that because that’s what she deserved. They’re now apart. Good for her. Because that guy was a complete asshole. And now I’m in the same position as hers, knowing that I don’t deserve to be happy with him, or anyone. I will pay someday my dues and I would get what I deserve, for causing pain to other people for my selfish desires. For longing for someone who will never be mine.

Am I just another piece that’s making this go round? Do I encourage their love for each other even more, being the other person who can satisfy his needs in ways she cannot? Am I just a tool in making this work, being used for something I never wanted to be? It hurts to think this way but I can’t help it. I don’t deserve to be in this position but I am letting him treat me this way. And for that I just wanna fly away…I’ve got to get away… please take me away.. anyone…?

Is this the end, should I just give up… stupid of me to even dare to ask. It was out of the question from the beginning anyway. And me crying this out is another mistake.

What am I really to you, huh? Where do I stand? Where do you place me in that pie chart of your priorities, or do I even have a spot there? Do you need me, or is it just fun to have me lingering.. I make things lighter, brighter when things get so tough in your life, but when I make you upset do you run back to her arms telling her how much you love her and miss her, and treat her like a princess…? Do you think of her when we’re together, do you think of me when you’re with her? I told you I’ve been there and have done that, but now I cant seem to understand how it rolls… It hurts to be there, to be in a spot where there are too many pitch dark caves, too many walls, too many blind spots. Never knowing where to go, how to move forward, or whether I should just leave this all behind… maybe I should. But my heart just wont go.

I just want to escape… isn’t that an option? Can I just make that my only option? Why does it have to be me who gets left behind? It seems like everywhere I turn, I will remember the pain, I will get hurt and I will be alone in the end.

Mar 19, 2012
How do you handle something so great? How do you deal with something never thought even in your wildest dreams would ever come true? You know you’ve always wanted this, but you never knew it would be possible. And until now, I feel mixed emotions just thinking about it.

At one point I’m also hurt, guilty, I feel like I don’t deserve this, maybe I really don’t. At the same time, I would give a lot to prove that I am worthy.

A bigger part of me is actually happy. For the choice he made. I never knew he’d be that strong. I am overwhelmed by the thought. I settled my self to the idea that it would never go that far, that this would never happen.

My heart is filled with joy, doubts, fear, insecurities, euphoria, worry, empathy, sadness, concern, every minute is a roller coaster of emotions. But every time I am with him, I feel at peace…

I always thought of the what ifs, the should haves, the could haves… I never really thought he would feel so strongly the same to actually do anything about the situation.

And now, I know we’d have to face a lot because of this decision. I know he’s going through a lot right now, and I feel so much pain seeing him broken.

I just have to be still, and accept things as they are. Someone told me I never asked for it, that he decided it for himself, so I should just keep what I am doing; stay as strong and positive as I have always been.

Despite the roller coaster of both my emotions and his, how do I keep still? Again, I don’t really know how to accept this gift. I’m scared to be so happy. I don’t think I am prepared enough to get my heart any more broken than it already was, if ever this happiness would cost me more than what I bargained for.

We’ve always made jokes about being together in our past lives. That maybe, the reason we’re so in sync is that because we were lovers in the past. And I always told him that we’d meet in the next and be together again. Oblivious that he would make such big risk to make it happen, right here, right now, with me today, to the person I am in this lifetime, in the circumstances that we are both in. In this lifetime, I get to be with someone who knows me that much, who accepts me for all that I am, with someone I felt such mysterious connection. And like for the first time in this lifetime, someone chose to love me, even if I never asked for anything.

Who knows, maybe this couldn’t really work out, maybe this is meant to be. I would like to find it out. Just a moment with him is enough. And I am overwhelmingly, amazingly, unbelievably, truly grateful…

author:  rei

p.e./mj