Destiny. So many definitions of a single word. Sabi nila ang destiny daw ay iyong itinadhana ng Diyos sa iyo. Usually, we refer to our destiny as our soulmate, the person God intended for us to spend the rest of our life with, and hopefully to live happily ever after.
Pero para sa akin, hindi komo soulmate, e dapat makatuluyan mo na agad. Maaaring makilala mo lang siya somewhere along your life’s journey. For me, that’s what happened between me and my so-called “soulmate.”
We first met at the office, he’s a sales representative of a big company which our office has a transaction with. He is decent, good looking and very charming. I remember he was wearing a semi barong top that day, and I must admit, he’s quite a looker. But syempre hindi naman ako nagpahalata noh? Baka naman isipin niya type ko siya, and in my work, I should never get friendly with sales reps. Since I’m the first person they come to when they need to push a sale, of course given na yung magpapacute sila, magpapakafriendly kunwari. And of course, I should never give in, I never do even before those who came before him, na mas gwapo pa nga sa kaniya e. But sa kaniya, medyo sumablay yata ako. He is such a charmer kasi.
That same day, as part of their SOP, he invited me, my boss and my boss’ wife for lunch. It was such a fun lunch because we clicked right away. Our conversations were spontaneous and he effortlessly made me laugh all thru out. Hindi ko nga maalala kung nabusog ba ako nun, kasi I was having so much fun. Then after work, he again invited me for dinner and coffee. Sobra na akong kinikilig nun kasi I can sense that I’m starting to like him, but I kept on telling myself “this is not a date.” I even asked two friends to come with us para naman group date and he was really friendly kahit sa mga kaibigan kong kakakilala pa lang niya. After coffee, my friends asked to leave na because it’s getting late, so ayun na, naiwan kami sa coffee shop, with no one else but only the waiters. From that moment, we both knew how much we liked each other. I remembered him asking me if I consider living and working in Manila (because I’m from the south). I was stunned with his question but I acted as if it’s just a friendly conversation. I said no, because honestly I can never keep up with the life in the metro—the traffic, the crowd, the lifestyle (no offense sa mga taong masayang nabubuhay sa Manila =)… Siguro I was just too comfortable with where I was that time—I was living comfortably in our small city, happy with my current work, with all my friends and family there too, and I was (not really happily) engaged that time. Napansin ko medyo nalungkot siya sa sinabi ko, but I explained that the last time I was there for a review class, in a matter of just six (6) months, naranasan ko na ang mabagyo, mabaha, maligaw, masnatch-an, haha! And I can’t remember how our conversation went that he was already thinking what work could he possibly apply for in our city should he decide to move here. Dun na ako medyo nawindang. I can feel my heart pounding so hard and so fast while we were talking about details as BIG as that.
That night, I knew he has a girlfriend who’s fighting some inborn disease that has no medical cure. For that, I felt very sorry for him and for his girlfriend. Alam mo yung feeling na masaya ka, pero sobrang ang sakit sakit sa loob. Then I shared with him, I was also engaged that time to my boyfriend of 4 years. I don’t want to sound as if I’m making an excuse, but the truth is, during that time, hindi nako masaya sa relasyon naming ng boyfriend ko. Araw-araw na lang kami nag-aaway nung mga panahong iyon, and for the longest time, that night was when I felt happy again.
After that night, he became my constant textmate and caller. Wherever he was, he’d never fail to let his presence felt. Wala pang unlimited call ang mga networks nun, but every night, bago sya umuwi from work, he would call me and ask how my day went, at magkukuwento rin siya tungkol sa araw niya. That went on for months but never naming pinag-usapan ang mga puwedeng gawin o dapat gawin. Siguro dahil alam namin na madami kaming taong masasaktan.
For months, we were having that kind of relationship, and no matter what amount of happiness it gave us, the pain was also unbearable. Slowly, I was getting tired of it, but I never demanded anything because I know I can’t give so much too. We were getting too afraid and too careful at the same time, that we’re starting to hurt each other too. Until I stopped talking to him altogether, parang napagod na lang ako sa mga nangyayari.
One time I was sent to have a seminar in Manila. We had dinner as if everything’s okay. Nagkakape kami nung bigla niyang sinabing “Huwag ka na munang umuwi. Dito ka na lang muna. Mas madali kong maaayos ang dapat ayusin kung nandito ka na.” I almost dropped my tall cappuccino after what he said. I remember he even proposed to me that night but I just refused. When he drove me to the airport, the closer we get there, the more he pleaded for me to stay, but I never did. As I walked inside, I could see my phone ringing and it was him calling. Tears kept falling on my cheeks yet I don’t have the power to go back, no matter how much I wanted to.
That happened, I guess 7 or 8 years ago, and until now everything was vivid in my memory. Now, we’re both married, and yes, he’s married to his girlfriend and I couldn’t be happier for him. She deserves a man as loving and as kind as him. While I married not the boyfriend I had, but a man I met after him. I think somehow we have both moved on, and I hope we’re both happy. So I guess you’ll understand with what I said earlier, that we don’t always end up with our “soulmates”. Because I never ended up with mine. xoxo
Photo credit: anitacharlot.wordpress.com