Cinderella No More
Ah, to be Cinderella. As little girls, we all dreamed of becoming like her. Later, as we grew into young women, we searched and hoped and waited for that prince who would carry us away on his white horse to gallop into the sunset so we could live happily ever after.
A lucky few may have found him, but I’m sure many have not. For some of us, we found to our hearts’ dismay that not all men were fated to be Prince Charming. In fact, quite a lot of them have turned out to be Casanova. What a joke, right? Whatever happened to the fairy tale? What about our happily-ever afters?
And there, girls, lies the problem. We all know her story: orphaned girl mistreated by ugly stepmom and stepsisters. Fairy godmother saves the day, transforms her into a beautiful princess. Attends ball, meets Prince Charming, flees the palace at midnight, leaves glass slipper. Prince searches far and wide for mysterious girl, finds damsel-in-distress, rescues her from domicile hell, marries her. Rides far into the sunset. Lived happily ever after.
The question is, have you ever wondered what Cinderella’s happily-ever-after might’ve been like?
I certainly have. Did Cinderella turn into an old hag after years of bearing children? Did she quarrel with Prince Charming over the most trivial things? Did she ever become jealous? Did she ask her fairy godmother to give her the fairy tale version of botox or a liposuction? Or worse, did Prince Charming eventually ditch her for someone younger?
We’ll never find out. Fairy tales never tell us what happens after the happy ending. In real life, we know that riding off into the sunset means dirty diapers and restless babies, sleepless nights, bills to pay, strange habits, tricky in-laws, other women. Face it, there’s no such thing as perfect. And there ain’t no happily-ever-afters either. Not even for real life princesses. Princess Diana, remember her?
I have to admit that a few years back, I was a girl dreaming of love and happily-ever-afters. I was going from one relationship to another searching for that one happiness and getting disappointed all the time. And then, finally, I met this wonderful guy who became my longtime boyfriend. It wasn’t long before I started pressuring him into wedlock.
Thank God, he didn’t say yes! As luck would have it, I came across a book that changed my life written by Colette Dowling entitled The Cinderella Complex.
Through that book, I became aware of the psychological state-of-mind called the Cinderella Complex that many of us women were taught to embrace since childhood. Broadly defined, it is that unconscious desire in women to be taken care of based primarily on a fear of being independent.
Boys and girls are brought up differently. In the words of the author herself: “…Males are educated for independence from the day they’re born. Just as systematically, females are taught that they have an out – that someday, in some way, they are going to be saved. That is the fairy tale, the life-message we have introjected as if with mother’s milk. We may venture out on our own for a while. We may go away to school, work, travel; we may even make good money, but underneath it all there is a finite quality to our feelings about independence. Only hang on long enough, the childhood story goes, and someday someone will come along to rescue you from the anxiety of authentic living. (The only saviour the boy learns about is himself.)…”
Simply stated, girls like us were trained since childhood to believe that somewhere out there exists a knight in shining armor, maybe even a prince, who will come galloping in his magnificent white horse to help us live our lives the way we want it to be, and then make us incredibly happy.
Unfortunately for men, us women have held them responsible for our happiness. Unfairly so. And like clockwork, our men have failed us in many more ways than one.
This is the reason why many women go from one failed relationship to another searching for the one that could make things right.
This is the reason why women stay in abusive relationships hoping that someday, things will change.
This is the reason why formerly independent women, upon getting a man, give up their own power and independence and morph into clingy, overjealous shadows of themselves.
This is the reason why women feel they cannot live without a man in their lives.
This is the reason why women love falling in love with the wrong guy over and over again. And then again.
Isn’t it about time that we break free and become the women that we were meant to be? Shouldn’t we give men a break and stop handing to them our happiness and joy?
The good news is, women can break free. All it takes is an awareness of what makes us feel the way we do. Once aware, learn more about it. Then do something about it.
It isn’t easy, sure. I know because I’ve been there. I went through the whole nine yards, tortuous most of the time, but I made it to the finish line. Now, I am Cinderella no longer, and as such, my world has opened up in ways I never imagined. I happen to love it.
I realized that happiness must never be hinged on a man. True happiness must be found from within yourself. Nowhere else. No one else. Not the boyfriend, not the husband, not your many friends, not your parents nor siblings, not even your kids. They can, of course, make you happy, but never hold them responsible for your own joy. Once you do, you are in danger of getting hurt, as they are only mortals, pretty much like you and I.
Independence is a gift. Use it to become the person you’ve always wanted to become. Once you do, you’re able to give yourself to a world that needs a strong, wise woman in it, if you are single. And if you happen to have a partner, you bring a much stronger half into a healthy relationship to make it whole. Either way, by not being a Cinderella, you win. So does everyone around you, including your man.
How does one not become a Cinderella? Here are a few pointers: Never allow yourself the horror of a parasitic relationship. As any man in his right mind will probably tell you, clingy is never sexy.
Think for yourself. I do not believe in stupidity. Rather, I believe in varying degrees of intelligence. Use your brain in conjunction with your heart. If it feels wrong and you think it is wrong, chances are, it really is. Walk away.
Remember that you are strong. No matter who and what you think you might be, you were created special. So if you think you can, you truly can. Likewise, if you think you can’t then you can’t. It is all about perception. Trash the negative; embrace the positive.
To gentlemen reading this, do yourself a favor. Be honest with your girl, tell her what she needs to know. And if loving truly means letting go, so it must be.
Cinderella’s happily-ever-after is just a fairy tale, ladies, but true happiness isn’t. It is real. So is joy. It is there, right there within yourself. Take it!
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