IS LOVE OUT OF REACH?

My older brother and third older sister both celebrate their birthdays in February. My sister just turned 27 on the 13th while my brother turned 29 the day after, 14th. And you know what else they have in common? They are both single. And oh, how can I forget my second older sister who is hitting her 32^nd in June. Newsflash: she’s still single. Alarming! What’s more alarming is the fact that I and the rest of the family have never been introduced to any of their significant others—not even once. Why? Because they have NONE. I say alarming because hello 32, 29, and 27? Aside from the fact that these are the ideal marrying age, these numbers should be reminding them that they are not getting any younger and there might not be a lot of fish left for them to catch. Take it from my 23-year-old-no-boyfriend-since-birth self.

Clearly, I have some issues with dating and age. Although I don’t know of any book laying out a rule that one should have been dating already at this age or have already tied the knot at that age, I can’t stop myself from counting up to a time when everyone, myself included, has had finally met THE ONE. My whole life I thought I was never going to feel uncomfortable with the whole “waiting” scene. I was even disgusted of the idea that women can’t—or feel they can’t—live without a man. I didn’t like the way they see the world: coupled and happy, or alone and miserable. But today—on Valentine’s Day—I’m seeing in their way, too.

THOUGHT QUESTION: Is it out of reach? Or have you just not stretched yourself enough?

Let “IT” be “A RELATIONSHIP”.

People would intriguingly broach the subject of my relationship status; do I have a boyfriend? Sarcastically I’d say, “Yeah, I’ve got tons” and the clever human beings that they are would naturally get it and so would ask me—and they do so with empathy—”Why not?”

WHY NOT? That’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question. Hell, if I knew I would have done something about it.

I have been imagining what love would be like my entire life. You know what they say about being in love makes you care about everyone more, almost as if you’re in love with the whole world?  It’s exactly what I dream about. It’s what everyone dreams about. A love so grand it can change your life. And it seems like most of my friends have been living that dream.

Take my friend, E, for example. Just two months ago, while gearing up for a masquerade party, we were fantasizing about being romantically involved with the men of our dreams. That same night at the party, E landed herself a boyfriend, an older guy. They’ve been seeing each other for two months now and I am sincerely happy for her. I really am. Seeing E and the rest of my friends all mushy with their partners is about as romantic as I can imagine. But of course it makes me feel a little sorry for myself, because I know for a fact that they have seen no boy cared about me the way their partners do. Sure I’ve gone on a few dates before. The recent was with a foreigner whom I had some sort of interesting romantic rendezvous with. As expected, he did the fade away. I guess it was understandable. We weren’t serious or anything.

My friends may not admit this in front of my face but I’m sure they have some sort of inkling how bad I feel about having zero dates since that foreigner. I also think they know somehow that I feel like an oddball whenever I hang out with them all coupled up. But it’s nothing bad. That’s what they would tell me every time the topic of my not having been in an intense relationship was brought up. “And so is being a virgin,” they’d all add.

At 23? Err, okay.

Desperado much? And I really am. I am as desperate as the other single ladies out there who have been moaning about the same sorry plight. I am also distressed by the possibility that time is running out and so are them guys—straight guys to be specific.

However, as frantic as I am for a boyfriend, I have learned enough to know that when women go out with guys they can’t respect, they end up not respecting themselves. I also learned that a man has to be more than a paycheck and fun on Saturday nights. There has to be a soul connection, too. Problem is I don’t often find these types of men, and when I do I usually lose them fast.

Or maybe I’m just not looking far enough. Or I just don’t have what men are looking for in a woman, whatever they really are. Granted physical looks is one factor, but I don’t think that explains it. I consider myself attractive, and yet not very many men have asked me out on a date. I consider myself smart, and yet I am worried that the guys I will meet in the near future would turn out to be snobs about the difference in our formal education. I am not yet done with college, is why. It’s taking me forever to get through it as I have been working full-time for three years now and I haven’t decided yet as to when I’m going back. Almost everything in my life is on the rocks.

So I guess it’s just not my time. I’d like to see myself in a relationship someday but I’m just not so much sure if now is the right time or if I’m in the right place. So in the love department, everything is uncertain for me. Moreover, looking for a relationship when you are not in your right frame of mind is not only a waste of time but is also a waste of your emotional energy. I think it’s better to remain a single than to lose oneself in a relationship that didn’t turn out well because of infidelity, violence, or even theft. I know some people believe in the idea that when you look for it, it will surely come to you. But there ain’t a map anywhere that could pinpoint us to the location of the soul mate that we have been wishing for all our lives.

So, is it out of reach? It sure isn’t. Just because I’m not in a relationship doesn’t mean I can’t start one. Have I not stretched out far enough? Yes. I’m not really putting myself out there to see what happens. But I know for sure that sooner or later I should.

For now, I’m in love with the whole world.

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