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In celebration of the UPCAT results, I decided to post an essay I wrote about UP for a Creative Writing class (CW 141: Creative Non-Fiction) almost two years ago. This essay was later on published in Ampersand, an anthology that compiles the “best creative writing works of students.” It is also part of Ma’am Conchitina Cruz’s reading list for CW10 (Creative Writing for Beginners), English 11 (Literature and Society), and CW141. Warning: this essay includes foul language. It is a creative writing piece after all.
It isn’t hard to find writing inspiration when you study in a school as alive as UP Diliman where everyday is a brain spa.
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Anna Oposa loves UP. Whenever Anna Oposa says she’s from UP, she hears reactions such as: “Wow!” or “Ang galing mo!” and most of the time, “Matalino ka pala?!” But whenever Anna Oposa says she’s an English Studies major from UP, reactions are: “Um… Wow…” or “So… Magiging teacher ka?” and occasionally “Dahil ba Ingglesera ka?”
Not that she minds. Anna Oposa loves being an English Studies major in UP. She had planned on taking up BS Psychology as her pre-med but God Buddha Mother Nature her UPG didn’t make the cutoff. At least people automatically assume that she’s well read and cultured. They always remark, “You’re taking English? Grabe! Nosebleed!” Anna Oposa mentally rolls her eyes. “Nosebleed” is the term for commoners and mortals. She prefers to use the term “epistaxis.”
In some ways, Anna Oposa is a stereotypical English Studies major. During her free time, Anna Oposa loves to analyze the nuances of SMS language (How does one read “Di ako maka2punta sa prac 2day. Ba2lik aq bukas. Namatay kc ti2 ko.”?), think about punctuation marks (“Bawal” umihi dito. God “bless” our trip?!?!?!), and obsess over past participles (What is the past participle of dive? Anna Oposa has dove? Anna Oposa has dived? Anna Oposa has… diven?). Anna Oposa has not taken a Math subject since high school and is now having problems doing mental arithmetic (“Five plus eight equals twelve? Oh wait shit fifteen right? Oh god where’s that fucking calculator?”). Anna Oposa has given up on MSTs since her Geog 1 teacher cracked the jokes “Ano ang pabiritong kanta ng mga geologists? Eh di bato bato pick!” and “What did one igneous rock say to the other igneous rock? I LAVA YOU!”
Those are what Anna Oposa likes to call “jokes.”
Her CAL professors are so much better. Anna Oposa loves her professors. Her professors are her gods. Anna Oposa loves Judy Ick because Judy Ick believes that she is Shakespeare’s mistress. Anna Oposa loves May Jurilla because she has everything Anna Oposa wants: Latin honors, two MAs, one PhD in an obscure subject, and sexy legs. Anna Oposa loves Conchitina Cruz because she expected a professor named Conchitina to be a living fossil that required a respirator to function only to find a bombshell walk in the classroom. Anna Oposa loves Jerome Sanchez, who keeps using Anna Oposa as an example of a noisy girl during Italian recitation (“Anna Oposa è rumorosa!”). Anna Oposa is in love with Carlos Aureus. She believes that a genius like Carlos Aureus could not have been a child; he just materialized and came into existence. Anna Oposa is also smitten with Jose Dalisay Jr. and his booming bass voice that should be used in audio books. So much so that his presence makes Anna Oposa’s IQ drop. When he asked what she thought of Langston Hughes’s “Florida Road Workers,” she said, “It’s about the discrimination against the blacks.” When pushed for further explanation, she stared at him and said, “Cause they’re like… not white?”
Ah, no wonder Anna Oposa’s UPG made it to UP Diliman by 0.1.
Anna Oposa loves UP. Anna Oposa loves the names of her classmates: Fhamaye (“But my nickname’s Alfha.”), El Shadai (“One ‘d’ lang. You can call me Shads for short!”), and siblings Brilliant Hero and Genius Judge (“Our sister’s name is Jennifer.”) Anna Oposa loves the bathroom graffiti in FC. Anna Oposa loves “If loving you means suffering, then bury me alive…” Anna Oposa loves “Fuck you world!” and loves the reply “Fuck you too! –World” even more. Anna Oposa loves being asked which building is where, like when a nurse approached her and asked, “Miss saan yung Pamela Hall?” Anna Oposa replied, “Hah? Sino si Pamela?!” Anna Oposa loves the day when UPCAT results are posted. Parents and high school seniors run their fingers down the bulletin boards and expressions change from anxious to either ecstatic or disappointed. But there’s a reaction Anna Oposa will never forget: the lanky boy who called up his mom and yelled, “Ma! NAKAPASA AKO NG UP DILIMAN!!! At… buntis ang girlfriend ko!”
Rain or shine, Anna Oposa loves UP. Literally. After all, each area in UP has its own stratosphere. It’s sunny in AS, dark in ASCAL, and storming at CAL so by the time she gets to her Post-Colonial Discourse class from Phonetics and Phonology she’s soaked and sneezing. Anna Oposa even loves the old, hard-to-find books in the library that crumble at her slightest touch and the high-tech iLib that never clears her account of books she returned. Half of the librarians are bitchy; they pretend not to hear her and just point her towards the Social Science Stacks, which she thinks could be a perfect setting for a horror movie. The other half of the librarians is incoherent. Librarian 1: Hija, i-ano mo lang ito sa ano. Librarian 2: Eh kung tawagan mo kaya si ano? Librarian 1: Eh sabi ni ano, ano lang naman kailangan eh. Librarian 1: Ano lang naman pala eh! I-ano mo na!
All Anna Oposa wants to say is: ano ba talaga?
Nevertheless, Anna Oposa loves UP. Really.
Aside from the libraries, Anna Oposa also loves the College of Music because of the cacophony of wind instruments doing scales over and over again at different keys and rhythms which makes her want to drag the NO BLOWING OF HORNS sign from the street to the building’s entrance. Anna Oposa loves UP more than ever because it proves that the idea of an afterlife is imaginary, that heaven and hell are on earth, hell being UP enrollment. But then again Anna Oposa loves UP enrollment because it teaches her to be independent by chasing professors and advisers to sign her add mat forms, who say they’ll show up at a certain time ON THE DAY OF THE DEADLINE but won’t, and then lining up for hours under direct sunlight and/or pouring rain to catch the 4:30 p.m. cutoff to pay for a ten peso “processing fee” only to be told that she’s supposed to go to the Registrar “for approval” even if she argues that the Department told her to go to the Bank first. Anna Oposa even found the perfect soundtrack for this inferno: the sound of the Toki and Ikot horn, a high-pitched cackle when heard in the early evening, making Anna Oposa scream and duck. Then there are the devils from hell on earth a.k.a. the Wild Card UP professors, such as the professor who looks like she dresses in the dark, doesn’t teach, and uses a set of darts for grading and the other professor who has but one facial expression, went to class about six times the entire semester, and gave her a 2.75 for unknown reasons, even if she submitted everything on time, got above-average marks on each paper, and attended every class. Anna Oposa loves UP because she looks studious from carrying a backpack heavy with crumpled blue books, readings, and workshop pieces. One time, Anna Oposa’s friend had Anna Oposa keep her daily feminine wash in Anna Oposa’s backpack. The lid accidentally popped open and for days Anna Oposa’s crumpled blue books, readings, and workshop pieces smelled like a vagina. A vagina “nourished with milk” and “tea tree oil” but a vagina is a vagina and
What again?
Right.
Anna Oposa loves UP.
Anna Oposa fucking loves UP.
picture from Dr. Butch Dalisay’s blog (www.penmanila.net)
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YES! i love UP! :]
Anna Oposa…where were you when I was walking from the FC after I failed my first exam? I could have used some of that humor. Maybe make a music video out of the supposed worst moment of my life (at that time). Yes, I love UP!!!
LOVE this 1.. it made me laugh…
we fucking love UP!!
i’m starting to love Anna Oposa!!